The Owl and the Pussy Cat
by Politik
Summary: The story has nothing to do with its title...which is just as odd as the rest of it. Sorry - this came to me in a flight of fancy... A play of sorts. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

SLIGHTLY MODIFIED VERSION (not by much though!)

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything but my brain and even that sometimes tries to get away from me…

The Title of this Story has nothing to do with story, and the story is a little odd. Perhaps too odd for all those of you who still have their sanity in tact (mine went out the window long ago… Yeah, it just flew away saying something about migrating to a warmer place…)

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**The Owl and the Pussy Cat:**

Scene _– a blank (white) stage (or area… of some sort) – dark_

**N1**: 'The air was dark'

**N2**: 'Dark?'

**N1**: 'Yes, as dark as the sea on a misty day….and the elves were singing merrily because nobody could see them'

**N2**: 'Yeah…that's because they're in your head…you…you…'

**N1**: 'Who are you calling you…you?!??'

**N3**: 'Please…shhh…the first character is wandering onto the stage……'

_A middle aged man appears out of nowhere and begins to wander aimlessly about the blank stage. He is wearing army fatigues (with a slight difference since they are red) and in his hat are fishing hooks._

**N2**: 'Why is he wearing red…did you have something to do with this……'

_N2 looks accusingly over to N1…who shrugs his shoulders and presents N2 with a trademark grin… of course none of this is seen as narrators are off screen…_

**Middle Aged Man**: _Staring around him…turning circles…and almost falling over his own feet.  _'Hello... Hello?' _Tentatively-_ 'Is anyone there?......' _Continues circling_…__

**N1**: 'Hiya Henry!'

**MAM (Henry)**:  _Jumping out of his skin_… 'Whose there?'

**N1**: 'I am'

**MAM**: 'Oh…Hello Pierce…So your narrating this thing are you?' _Looks slightly depressed at the thought_

**N2**: 'Humph…I'm narrating too… I'm just as important as Pierce is …more important, I'm a major and he's just an idiot of a captain… ha'

_The MAM looks **totally** depressed after hearing this voice… so much so that his shoulders curve and he bends forward with his head hanging and his hat falls off… He bends over to pick it up and catches his finger on one of the hooks._

**MAM**: 'Owww…' _Untangles finger and sucks at it while replacing hat on his head._

_All of the above goes on unnoticed by the narrators between whom tensions seem to be brewing …of course yet again you cant see any of this as narrators are only voices …not people (for which this writer is given a couple of bashes over the head by narrators from far and wide)._

**N1**: 'Idiot of a captain, hey Frank?…'

**N2**: 'Yeah you… you degenerate' _Sounds triumphant at getting his insult finished. _

_Noise of a scuffle off screen…A few high pitch squeals and a few curses which are to rude to repeat._

**N3**: 'Please…' _Noise of someone falling to the floor and continuing noises of a scuffle._ 'Umm…Oh dear…Please stop… Ah…Umm…Well… Hawkeye?… _Shouting and obscenities coming from within a canvas bag_. 'Oh dear Hawkeye did you really have to?'

**N1**: 'Sorry father… I'll let him out when he says sorry…'

**MAM**: 'Hey… you guys… can we get on please?!!'

**N1**: 'Right sorry Henry… here have something to drink …you look nervous'

_A drink appears in the MAM's hand_

**MAM**: _Breathes sigh of relief_ 'Thanks…'

**Voice off stage**: 'Hey… sir… you said you weren't gonna drink anything today, your trying to give it up remember!?'

_Enter a young man of little height with glasses and a rabbit._

**N1**: 'Radar …you're not supposed to be on till act 2.'

**R**: 'Well it's not my fault that you haven't even started act 1 yet… Anyway you've been wasting so much time that the time that was supposed to be used for act 1 has finished and there isn't enough time on the recorder to record act 1 so we'll have to skip right to act 2.'

**N3**: 'Well… that sounds like a good idea… Shall we go from where Radar enters?…'

**N1**: 'No father, lets go from just after where Radar enters …that way we won't have to waste time will he goes off again and comes back on…'

**MAM**: 'Will you be serious just for once Pierce…'

**N1**: 'Ok Henry… here goes… _Rustling of paper to get right page of script… coughs to clear throat…_

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…._SILENCE_….

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**N1**: 'Oh right sorry…' _Rustling of canvas… followed by sounds of angry man…_

**N3**: 'Are we ready to start yet?' (_Getting exasperated – trying not to though_)

**N2**: _having been just released from his canvas prison_ 'Yes!?!' – 

THE STORY RESUMES AS THUS…

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The writer has a confession to make…umm… 

*looks around scared of any potential readers who misunderstood the link to this story and accidentally read it….*

……………There is no story……… 

*covers head with arms to ward off sudden attack*

Sorry…..

HOWEVER… If anyone wants to write a story for the narrators to be reading out… with much interruptions as that is the only way it can happen with this crew I would be much obliged to them …On the other hand any comments about the removal/burning of this fanfic will be taken seriously and the evidence will be destroyed. 

Thank you. 


	2. Chapter 2 The story begins

Well inspiration struck, not sure that was a good thing or not! But if I continue, you should soon find out!

We go onwards… 

(**Quick note** – N1 has changed to H, N2 to F and N3 to FM, just to confuse you. Henry is still MAM (middle aged man) and Radar is Radar (or R) because I ran out of creativity. )

Enjoy.

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**F**: 'The sun began to set on the haphazard day…'

**H**: 'Don't look at me like that I didn't write the stuff!'

**F**: 'The two friends sat in the sand watching as it sank into the sea.'

_R and MAM sit down and stare into the distance (which is off screen) They are sitting on a mound of sand which is pretending to be a beach. The rabbit previously mentioned gets stage fright and jumps back to its hutch._

**R**: 'Wow, I never knew that the sun liked to swim.'

_MAM looks curiously at R_

**MAM**: _Taking swig of drink_. 'Yes. But it's not very good at floating. It will be dark soon. _He sighs_. It was a brilliant day though. Thank you for helping me out back there. I don't think I would have survived without you.'

_Noise off stage_

**H**: 'What? What do you want Trapper?'

**T**: 'Well, I hate to query your judgement Hawk, but…'

**H**: 'you always do.'

**T**: 'Right! Well somebody has to don't they!' 

**F**: 'Well…? What do you want you… fink?!'

**T**: 'Well, Frank', _condescending in tone,_ '…there is just the little problem that nobody watching this will know how or why Radar saved Henry!'

_Whispering offstage_

**H**: 'You can explain it all when you come in, in the next scene!'

**T**: 'What?!?!, I'm no good at improvising. I get stage struck!' _Grins '_All I can do is make silly noises!'

**H**: 'Well tell the audience through mime then!'

**FM**: 'Please… we should get back to the story… the sun is sinking and if left there too long Henry and Radar will start to get cold!'

**H**: 'Here goes… The sun had vanished now,' 

**FM**: 'It had gone to bed, beneath the waves'

**F**: 'And the two friends were beginning to get cold!'

_Radar and MAM start to shiver [exaggeratingly so]_

**R**: 'You must be getting cold now sir. What with everything that happened today. Don't you think you aught to go home?'

**MAM**: 'Yes, perhaps you are right.'

_They stand and walk off stage._

**H**: 'So they walked off into the night.' 

_MAM and Radar walk across stage, as if walking somewhere. (The sand disguised as a beach is still present)_

**H**: 'Presently they arrived at a building, the sign of which read –'

**FM**: ''Enter all ye who require a bed for the night, Welcome to the Seashore Inn'' 

_A Close up of a crude sign is shown saying just that in big purple paint. Then the is taken away and we see that the scene though still the same (i.e. blank apart from a pile of sand), now has the sign held in high in the air to the side of the stage to appear as if attached to a building just off stage (however a hand holding it there is visible). There is also a man holding a door handle; a hand grabs at his shirt and he turns and then looking guilty moves back slightly to produce the same effect as that of the sign (his hand still showing too). MAM and Radar enter from the side they just exited (i.e. the one without the sign and door handle) and stop in front of these artefacts._

**MAM**: 'Ah, Home sweet home. It is good to get back.'

**R**: 'Yes, that it is sir; it has been a long day'

**H**: Jeez, who did write this script? Its crap!'

**_Offstage_**_: Author appears to Hawkeye and threatens him with life in the sack previously occupied by Frank, or worse a part in the activities on stage. Hawkeye backs down and the story continues._

**MAM**: 'Lets go inside, my wife will be wondering where I have been.' _Chuckles._'Little does she know that I nearly died today. She would probably not care anyway seeing as it is very nearly dinner time.'

**R**: 'What difference does that make sir?'

**MAM**: 'Why, young fellow, dinner time is the worst time of day to feel sorry for ones self, all she cares about is whether the meat is over cooked and the quests all have enough wine. All I ever get from her at this time of day is her nagging to keep all your glasses topped up, you would think she was trying to make you all drunk!'

**H**: 'He did not divulge to his young friend that it was exactly their idea - to get all the quests drunk, thereby hastening there demise, or rather sending them to bed earlier. And if this did not happen, it at least meant they got much more interesting evenings out of their guests than they would have, had they been sober.'

**F**: 'The young man quelled his elder friend's thoughts as he suggested they retire inside, away from the harsh winds.'

_To back this statement up, from offstage a fan blows harshly on the pair, as Radar looks at MAM and MAM nods moving towards the door handle which is quivering up and down. Managing to grab it, he turns it, and hiding the fact that it seems to fall from the 'door' as he does this, moves offstage followed by Radar._

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Well that was Scene 1 (well ok it was scene 2 since we never got to see scene 1 – which I will just say was by far the best scene in the whole play!). 

Stick around for scene 3 if you can manage to without tumbling down those steep steps to despair. 

Thank you for your kind reviews those who did review it. I don't think I really deserved them. But I try to please. 

Thank you.


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